A couple of years ago when Ritalin Girl was a bit younger and a bit more naïve, she met a man through work. We’ll call him M because his name began with the letter M and here we respect anonymity. On the surface M was perfect. He was charming, talkative, well-liked, intelligent, confident and engaging. And he showed Ritalin Girl lots of attention, eventually progressing to asking her out places.

M seemed sweet, empathetic and trustworthy. Ritalin Girl confided in him about some interpersonal challenges within her team. After all, she trusted him and felt comfortable around him. He acted like he was an ally.

After some time, M invited her over to his for dinner. Except when she got there there was no dinner, she had to order in take out. A dry burger as it was one of the last orders of the night…. Looking back, a more grown-up Ritalin Girl thinks to herself why the hell did she stay?

Anyway to cut a long story short, the night started off with G&Ts and ended with sexual assault. In that moment Ritalin Girl’s soul or consciousness seemed to leave her physical body. The two became separated. It’s as if she knew she was there but it wasn’t really happening. He paused and bizarrely asked her if she was ok, she responded she was in pain and he carried on anyway. Yes, rape is painful.

In the interim between the two events: the first G&T and the assault, M seemed to be on a mission to ruin Ritalin Girl’s confidence, something which I think is termed negging. He insulted her intelligence, said she didn’t look very clever, came out with bizarre generalisations such as “most men say you have fun with a blonde, settle down with a brunette” and “I don’t date British women, only Eastern European girls”.

After the event, Ritalin Girl was in a state of shock and confusion. She had clearly said no, she had tried to push him off. To make things even more confusing he cuddled her after raping her. And she stayed… why did she stay? To blur things even further, the next morning they had consensual sex, almost like the rape had been some harmless little foreplay.

Ritalin Girl never reported the incident. By the time she had fully processed and was fully cognizant of what had happened, it was too late to prove anything.

Except the incident still comes back to her from time to time. In more recent times, Ritalin Girl was dating a lovely man known as A (see Dating Chronicles 001). Wanting to feel empowered and in charge of her sexuality, she initiated the sex on the third date. But over the course of them having sex she gradually felt her senses lose touch. She felt disconnected, as if it was a dream. She dissociated. And the result was an unsexy Starfish. Afterward, A commented “You seem to have become really distant since we decided to have sex” to which she absent-mindedly (still not with it) responded “I’m sorry you feel that way”.

Ritalin Girl never had the opportunity to explain to A why she had seemed so distant as having recently come out of a 4-year relationship, he decided he wasn’t ready to pursue another one.

Photo by KEVIN CLYDE BERBANO on Unsplash