There’s a recurring theme Ritalin Girl struggles with but rarely talks about: Dissociation.

Dissociation feels like floating, being present but separate at the same time.

Ritalin Girl knows her triggers. She struggles with time alone and feeling separation from others. She hates an empty house.

Often the trigger is something very innocuous and small. For instance today the man she’s dating texted Ritalin Girl to say he would be off his phone for the day and wouldn’t respond to any messages until the evening. But to Ritalin Girl he might as well have said they were over. The imposed distance had Ritalin Girl feeling rejected.

Dissociation is easily confused with episodes of inattention or hyperfocus channelled towards an addictive self-soothing behaviour in the context of a comorbid ADHD diagnosis. But they are not the same. For Ritalin Girl her kinky vice is porn and masturbation. It’s a space where she can feel in control and numb herself to feeling whilst simultaneously waking herself up from dissociation and energising herself. Like breathing life and oxygen back into her body again.

There are other tricks that can help. Ritalin Girl has found it helps to engage the senses: smell, touch, taste.. whether it’s lighting a candle, spraying perfume, listening to music, splashing your face with cold water, massaging on face cream or applying strong acid toner. The final one can leave your skin with a slight burning sensation.

Going through the motions also helps. Unnatural as it feels. Forcing yourself to do mundane tasks such as putting away clothes or doing laundry. During times of dissociation there is no motivation, no sense of urgency and no purpose. The mind goes completely blank. You need to do things almost robotically until you feel with it again.