This blog post is dedicated to a man we will refer to as H. Think Line of Duty series, “Who was H??”

H was pretty emotionally underdeveloped and seemingly young despite being 29 years old. He kept prefacing messages with “I’m confused…” and didn’t have a huge amount of empathy. In turn Ritalin Girl was confused. What made her so confusing? It made her feel like a Rubic’s cube; she must be so bloody complicated.

Conversation and relating to each other over messaging started off pretty straightforward. He asked her what her favourite colour was… his was dark green, Ritalin Girl’s was black. Her favourite colour to paint her nails, gothic style.

There were some mild red flags. For example, H claimed he enjoyed pressing people’s buttons which sounded mildly psychopathic. But hey, Ritalin Girl had read somewhere that possessing the dark triad can really help sharpen your dating game. People like “bad” in dating.

Unfortunately H knows about this blog so will most likely be reading it. It’s tough having a secret anonymous blog nobody knows about because sometimes you really need advice. And working in marketing, H was pretty well-placed to give that advice.

In the early stages H quickly made Daddy Dopamine status. They had progressed from asking each other about their favourite colours to sexting. He was hard as a rock and she was juicy. The next day he had morning wood and she was thankfully more in control of her vulva and could carry on with her day undisturbed.

They had some interesting mind-provoking conversation too. Ritalin Girl asked him if he’d “ever experienced a cold vagina” to which he replied, “the girl would have to be dead”.

Dating in the age of the Boomerang Generation, arranging a third date was tough. They both wanted to stick to the age-old three date rule and have sex on the third date. But like typical boomerangs, they both lived at home to save money… So they had been talking logistics. Serious logistics.

They were going to drive down to a sandy beach for a night-time trip. They could have sex in the car and on the beach, hence the need for a sandy beach not a rocky one. Ritalin Girl didn’t fancy being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

But in the end H didn’t fancy disturbing his sleep routine too much and didn’t fancy spending the night in the car either. “Too old for that” he said.

So plan B was born. A country walk, somewhere quiet and wooded with plenty of dogging spots. How romantic.

But then Ritalin Girl revealed her favourite sex position: the flatiron which Wayne had been into. And they arrived at plan C: a hotel. Plenty of time and space for foreplay, no need to rush and easier to try a greater variety of positions.

But then lightning struck: someone died. And H wasn’t in the right place for “dating”. The man needed time and space to process and to mourn. Ritalin Girl gave him space.  After all, it’s not very often someone dies.